


Sex Doll-Maggeddon

by dragonbornette, Thwippersnapple



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Crack, M/M, Noct is a dumbass, Troll Dads, accidental confessions, don't sleep on keyboards, nocts thirsty ass saves the day!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-24
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2021-02-25 20:40:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21931621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragonbornette/pseuds/dragonbornette, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thwippersnapple/pseuds/Thwippersnapple
Summary: Some people confess with Roses.  Others heartfelt words.And Noct.. Noct uses Sex toys, panic and bad decisions that torture everyone around him.Co-Written and Created by DragonBornette and Thwippersnapple! <3
Relationships: Prompto Argentum/Noctis Lucis Caelum
Comments: 92
Kudos: 158





	Sex Doll-Maggeddon

Noctis leaned back against the door to his apartment, cheeks flushed after what he’d just spent the past hour enduring. Prompto had been so excited to show him all that he’d learned from taking yoga with Ignis, much to the chagrin of the young prince. He wanted to be supportive, of course, but his libido had had so _much_ else in mind.

“They call this one the Happy Baby!” Prompto had all too eagerly exclaimed, lying on his back with his legs lifted, knees bent, holding his feet. It was innocent enough, yet all too suggestive at the same time. “Oh, and this one! Oh, you probably know it, but Downward Facing Dog. I can’t get as high as Ignis can, but look!”

Noctis had looked, oh how he’d looked, and sure, Prompto wasn’t in the perfect pose, but he sure was trying, and had been making sure his best friend was watching.

“I can’t wait to learn all those cool poses Ignis does, he’s so flexible, dude. I’m getting better, though! I’ll be able to do those poses soon enough, yeah?”

And Noctis got sucked down a hole of imagining just how flexible Prompto could get, and now with his friend out of his apartment, the prince had...things in mind that he needs to...take care of.

As all the blood rushed south, he awkwardly staggered into his bedroom and opened his laptop, popping open an incognito tab. He unzipped his pants and scooted them down his ass, not bothering to fully stand, just shuffling his legs with awkward kicks to lose them under his desk to give his dick some relief from being constricted. He rubbed his cock through his boxers giving it some much-needed friction before beginning his search. Clicking the **I AM OVER 18** link still gave him anxiety. As a younger teen, he’d had nightmares about his cybersecurity team having to report him for breaking that law and the discussion he’d have to have about his browser history with his dad that would follow. He went through more lotion the week of his eighteenth birthday than he’d ever admit.

Thumbnails of different people enjoying themselves popped up, and he started filtering his search results to tailor it as much as possible to indulge his thirst for his lean, freckled friend. He started entering keywords: _twink, blonde, freckles, flexible, cute._

Going through the results was an exercise in frustration. His dick was getting pissed and none of these dudes looked right! He stroked himself through his boxers and leaned back, resigning himself to having to jerk it to surreptitiously taken photos of his friend on his phone, when he noticed an ad at the side of his search results.

_MAKE YOUR PERFECT TOY! 3D PRINTED DOLLS! FULLY POSEABLE AND HIGH QUALITY!_

The image showed a doll flashing through multiple different faces and body types depending on the picture reference uploaded. He flipped open his phone and opened his hidden stash of Prompto pictures, his favorite being the shirtless picture of him laughing after Track - just before they’d graduated high school - his freckles all out on display and glistening.

Briefly, the thought of the virus he’d probably end up with on his computer flashed through his brain, but Noctis decided he was horny enough and enough blood was being diverted to his dick from his brain that he didn’t give a shit. He clicked, and the site walked him through tweaking the body’s particulars to fit the image he’d need to upload, changing the lines of the arms and complexion with tweaks on bezier curves. Once he got the body as best he could, he went to upload the image...only to be stopped by a paywall.

“ _Oh, you fucking piece of **shit**! Really?? REALLY!?_”

His eyes flashed through the fine print until he got to the promise that the site wouldn’t charge him until he was ready for purchase, but they would hold his card on file, so if he were to steal the 3D model they put together with the site to make it elsewhere, they could trace it back to him. Fair enough, _but fucking Ifrit, if he didn’t get to nut in the next twenty minutes, he was flipping his laptop._

He entered his details and hit upload.

Prompto’s measurements and face warped around and adjusted onto the 3D model and Noctis felt the air in his lungs get punched right out with lust. He zoomed in on the model and made a few minor adjustments and it was perfect. He clicked the highest package available for flexibility and posing options, gave him an average-sized dick and hit ‘Render’.

The site gave him the option to explore the flexibility limits of the doll by posing it and, in less than a minute, he had Prom in his last Yoga position he was in before he’d left.

“Oh fuck, yesss!!”

Noctis drank in the image of Prompto’s bare ass, knees back and hands on his feet with Prompto peering out from between his knees with a grin. Astrals, the prince was glad his security team was giving him more privacy as an adult now. His perverted thoughts of his best friend filling his little goblin brain with all the poses he could see him in now...

A low burning pleasure in his stomach had him rolling his hips with a whimper, adjusting the view. He pulled himself out of his boxers, giving his head a squeeze before lubing up with his lotion and settling in for the next few hours.

The next morning he awoke wrung out and loose-limbed, his back killing him from falling asleep on his desk, face plastered to the keyboard. He sat up gingerly, rubbing his face feeling to see if there was an imprint of his face from the keyboard. His alarm was going off across the room and, stretching his back carefully, he made his way over to turn it off. His laptop awoke from sleep mode as he stood but Noctis paid no attention to it as he shrugged a new set of clothing on and stumbled out to the living room to see if Ignis had made breakfast.

‘ _Thank you for your Purchase_ ’ written in fancy script across the screen greeted an empty room.

* * *

The schedule for the day was simple enough: wake up, prepare breakfast, drive Noctis to the Citadel, take care of a handful of errands at the Citadel and around the city, then return to the apartment to review some reports and clean up some of Noctis’s messes. Noctis had plans with Prompto later that afternoon and would call when they were ready to be picked up. Ignis truly did try not to pamper or baby the prince too much, but sometimes he found it so...hard not to. He sympathized with Noctis, found that what the young prince had to face was more than what anyone really deserved, but at the same time, he knew full well that pampering him wouldn’t serve Noctis in the future.

Shaking himself from those thoughts, Ignis returned his attention to the tasks at hand as he parked the car and joined Noctis in entering the Citadel. They parted ways and Ignis headed to Cor’s office to briefly pick up a few things, making brief small talk before he headed out and back to the car, returning to the apartment.

Ignis put on some Ebony to brew while he set things up at the table, resting his jacket against the back of the chair as he headed further into the apartment to see if there was anything he could handle or clean up while he was still on his feet. He took one glance at the prince’s room and could only sigh with a shake of his head before he returned to the kitchen to get his coffee and sit down at the table.

However, it didn’t feel like he’d gotten very far into his first report when there was a knock at the door, earning a frown from the Adviser. Who on Eos could that possibly be?

Taking one long, satisfying sip of Ebony, Ignis got to his feet and headed to the door, checking the peephole and lifting an eyebrow when he realized it was a package. He wasn’t expecting anything and Noctis hadn’t told him anything was coming, although the prince was prone to forgetting these details.

With a shrug, Ignis opened the door to take the large discreetly packaged box, surprised at the size and weight of it as he brought it inside. He saw it was for Noctis after all, but couldn’t imagine what on earth was inside. The discreet packaging made it hard for Ignis to make any sort of assumptions and he wasn’t about to go snooping.

Noctis usually told him in the end anyway.

He placed the box at the entrance to Noctis’s bedroom and returned to the table, rolling up his sleeves. His eyes skimmed over the recipe he was hoping to prepare that night before beginning his reports, noting the prep time needed for each step when another knock sounded. He blinked and looked up at the entrance way.

Again?

This time there were two packages, of the same size as previously. A different delivery person waved at him from the end of the hall as he departed.

Three total?? What on Eos did Noct order that he needed these three giant deliveries for? Ignis shook his head and began thinking of a suitable lecture about wasting his money as he dragged the boxes in and set them next to each other.

He’d no sooner touched the back of his chair at the table when he was interrupted by another sharp knock.

“You’ve got to be bloody joking--” He yanked the door open, surprising yet another new delivery person. Who happened to be carting YET ANOTHER box on a dolly and putting it in the way of Ignis getting anything done that morning. They jumped with a start and gave a short bow before shuffling away.

Ignis glared at the box before shoving it inside with his foot. He shut the door with a bit more force than necessary and brought his hands together, fingers touching his mouth in consternation. He sternly reminded himself that opening the boxes would be a federal crime as the mail wasn’t addressed to him, never mind that as the prince’s Adviser he had carte blanche to open anything of his that he felt would assist Noctis. No matter how irritated or how much he burned with curiosity, he was he wasn’t going to invade Noctis’s privacy like--

_KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!!_

Ignis nearly ripped the door off its hinges to reveal THREE MORE BOXES. _How in the bloody hell was he supposed to fit all of this bullshittery inside--_ He growled loudly and began forcefully shoving them inside and stacking them, the final box dragging against the coffee table and tearing slightly.

He froze.

Was that... An eye?

Ignis stared down at the offending box...which apparently decided to stare back with a pale eye peering out of the tear back up at him. His skin crawled along the back of his neck and he looked around for a camera or anything that would tell him this was just an elaborate obnoxious prank. When nothing revealed itself, he stared back at the box and the contents which stared out at him.

He summoned a dagger, not bothering to grab an exacto knife from the pantry, and opened the box as quickly as he could. He flipped open the cardboard lip only to be greeted by a dick jauntily flopping over from the force of him opening it. Ignis jerked his hands up and away with a shout and the box upturned. He sat there sputtering at the contents as a literal tangle of limbs and genitalia fell out of the box grotesquely, a head rolling out--

“ _What in the ever-loving bloody FUCK!?_ ” He screeched at Prompto’s--no, the doll’s head--as he backed away from it and into the table, papers scattering. Ignis slid down with his back against the table until he was sitting on the floor, sweating.

_There was another knock at the door._

Scrambling to his feet, Ignis rushed over to the couch and ripped the throw blanket off and onto the exposed doll. Satisfied, he huffed a breath out and opened the door.

Three more boxes awaited him ominously. He started laughing a bit hysterically, covering his mouth to stifle it. If each box contained what he thought it did, there was no way he could leave them in the hallway, but he was going to run out of room if there were any more boxes! Unless… He was going to have to open the boxes and dispose of the packaging just to be able to move around in the apartment. He unceremoniously threw the boxes in and went back to the first open box, pulling the directions out of the pile.

The assembly seemed rather simple at least.

Bracing himself, Ignis shook his hands out before reaching forward and quickly assembling the pieces without looking too closely. He dropped it on the couch then opened the other boxes just as quickly and assembling in haste. He pointedly refused to look at his growing army of naked Promptos, all of which seemed to be judging him from the couch. The last doll was over his shoulder as he inserted the thigh joint into the hip when the front door creaked. His head whipped around in horror, realizing he hadn’t shut it fully after the last delivery and a just as horrified delivery person stood there hand frozen in knock position staring at Ignis...who appeared to be wrestling with a nude doll.

While surrounded by other identical nude dolls.

Ignis dropped the doll and tried to get to his feet, hands out.

“Wait! This isn’t what it seems--” He slipped on an extra limb on the ground and fell towards the door. The delivery person shrieked and took off down the hall like he had a Cerberus after him, leaving behind four more boxes.

Ignis hissed and rubbed his knee before dragging the boxes in, muttering to himself. “ _Clothing_. I can’t have two dozen naked Promptos sitting around the apartment, I’m not a pervert.”

He placed all the folded cardboard and trash out in the hallway for collecting and began raiding Noct’s closet for as many pairs of pants and shirts he could match. He put together outfits and began wrestling each doll into them, suspecting that this was worse than wrestling contrary flopping toddlers into clothing.

The boxes kept coming throughout the morning. Ignis was a sweaty mess, his hair down and face flushed from exertion and stress. He’d began running out of matching outfits and had to fight down the irritation from putting together clashing clothing just to get every doll clothed.

Fifty. He had fifty Promptos in the prince’s apartment stacked like a horror game version of tetris in the corner. They were all assembled and dressed but there was an extra arm that didn’t have a doll to go with. He held the arm in his hand a little helplessly, looking around for a place to put it.

What he really needed a place for was these dolls.

What if someone were to stop by and see the monstrosity that was Prompto Mountain in the corner and Noctis’s reputation was tarnished? No matter how depraved his little bastard Prince was, Ignis simply Could Not Allow his public image to suffer from it. His job was to advise him and handle these sort of things to keep public relations positive. He began picking up dolls and contorting them into cupboards, closets and under furniture spaces. Anywhere he could stuff them so that they weren’t in immediate view, until he could speak to Noctis and figure out how to handle this situation.

_And Noctis WOULD handle it._

Ignis would make him handle the disposal of each doll while lecturing him and setting him right again. He seethed thinking about it when a short ringtone sounded. His alarm was going off to remind him he needed to pick up Noctis and Prompto already and _he hadn’t done even the basic prep for dinner_! He clutched his hair in his hands and let out a stressed huff of air.

He picked up his phone and began gathering his things, texting Gladio.

Ignis: _Would you be so kind as to pick up two large pizzas and run them to Nocts apartment? I was unexpectedly side-tracked and unable to put anything together for them for dinner._

Gladiolus: _Roger that, Iggy. The usual?_

Ignis: _If you would, please. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate this._

Gladiolus: _Anytime, Ig. I’m glad to see you not doing everything and relaxing a bit instead of stressing over it. The kids will love it too. Want me to bring by some beer for us?_

Ignis: _YES_

Gladiolus: _Whoa. Afternoon was that bad?? I’ll bring doubles._

Ignis: _You are an exemplary specimen of humanity._

Gladiolus: _LMAO_

Ignis shrugged his jacket on and headed out the door, stepping around the ridiculous pile of stacked cardboard as if it didn’t exist. But he may as well have taken all fifty dolls with him on the road with the way his nerves refused to settle. He gripped the steering wheel for all that it was worth, thoughts running rampant, before he caught a look at himself in the rearview mirror and jerked in alarm at his reflection. He spent the remainder of his time at the red light trying to fix his hair in a way that looked intentional before a car horn honk from behind him told him that he’d taken far too long trying.

The Adviser-turned-sex-doll-assembler spent the rest of the car drive to the arcade practicing his deep breathing in order to gain some sort of clarity and peace of mind before either youth saw him in such a state. He turned the corner and spotted the prince with his blond friend standing outside the arcade, leaning back on the building, glued to their phones in what Ignis could only assume was a raging round of _King’s Knight_. He honked once to alert them before pulling up alongside the curb.

Noctis looked up, smacked Prompto’s arm lightly as he nodded to the car, then pushed off the wall to climb in. Prompto was quick to follow, but dropped his bag and stopped to pick it up as the prince slid into the backseat. He took one look at Ignis and his eyebrows shot up.

“Whoa, Iggy, what happened to you?” he asked, hearing Ignis curse under his breath and look away as Prompto finally joined them, shutting the door and looking right back at his phone.

“We will discuss it later, Noct,” Ignis replied as he checked the street for traffic before pulling away from the curb. He gave the prince a pointed look through the rearview mirror before his eyes returned to the road. “Are you certain we should have company over this evening?”

Noctis’s eyes narrowed in confusion. “Uh, yeah, why?”

Prompto looked up from his phone. “Aw, what? You don’t want me over?” He gave Ignis one of his trademark pouts and the Adviser sighed quietly in exasperation as he stopped at another red light and gave Noctis another look through the mirror.

The prince _had_ to know about the packages, why was he playing the fool? But his look gained nothing from Noctis, who only shrugged back at Ignis in clear confusion.

Realizing Prompto was still pouting at him, Ignis braved a smile at the blond and shook his head. “Of course I do,” he assured. “There is just something I must discuss with Noctis in private, I’m afraid.”

Noctis’s eyebrows shot up, confusion still plastered on his face, but he could only look at Prompto and shrug once again. He wondered if whatever Ignis was talking about had to do with the way he looked, but why wouldn’t he want to talk about it in front of Prompto?

Shrugging once again, this time to himself, Noctis pulled out his phone and resumed his round of _King’s Knight_ with Prompto the rest of the way home, leaving Ignis to suffer and fret in silence.

* * *

Across town, Gladio successfully purchased three pizzas instead of two (come on, Iggy, he could clearly eat a whole pizza on his own), and made a pit stop at the store for beer before he headed over to Noctis’s apartment. Truth be told, the sudden request from Ignis surprised him. Pizza and beer were usually reserved for the weekends and although Ignis knew how to have fun - really, he wasn’t as button-up strict as everyone thought - he took his responsibilities seriously.

Gladio was incredibly anxious to know what had rattled the Adviser so much that he couldn’t make dinner, _and_ wanted beer.

He arrived at the prince’s apartment, knocking before he let himself in. Ignis wasn’t back from, what Gladio assumed was, picking Noctis up, so he set the pizzas on the counter and went to put the beer in the fridge…

...Only to find the refrigerator incredibly crowded and somewhat unorganized, which was unusual. Sure, Ignis let things get out of hand sometimes to see how far Noctis would let things get before Ignis _had_ to step in and clean and scold the prince, but this didn’t seem like that was the case.

Before he sees something that makes him pause. Is that...is that a hand?

...Ignis wasn’t known for his pranks but Gladio wouldn’t put it past him. The man’s sense of humor could be decidedly peculiar when he was in a mood. The big guy reached forward grasped the surprisingly lifelike hand and made to pull it out, only for the rest of the contents in the fridge to shift forward and begin crashing to the floor. He released the hand and fumbled with both arms, trying to catch the many containers before they hit the floor, only to look up at the shelf and see a lifeless body staring back at him from the fridge.

He shrieked and flung everything in his arms skyward, retreating backward and falling, scooting on his ass to the opposite side of the kitchen. Eyes stared at him under the flickering fluorescent light. He scrambled up in a panic and headed for the bathroom, shutting and locking the door before sitting on the toilet with his hands on his face, working on steadying his breathing.

He did _not_ just see Prompto’s body in the fridge. _He did not just see Prompto’s lifeless body in the fridge._ Ignis liked Prompto. He was not about to kill him and make him into dinner _only to tell Gladio to bring Pizza instead._ _This wasn’t a fucking recreation of Sweeny Todd--_

There was a shadow behind the shower curtain.

Gladio’s heart rate skyrocketed and he tensed. He summoned a short sword due to the smaller size of the bathroom and carefully stood, reached out, holding his breath as he jerked the curtain back--

\--only for Prompto’s OTHER lifeless body to fall out and flail across him.

“FUCK-- NO! I’LL-- HYAAAAAA!!” He bellowed nonsensically and impaled the figure before pulling it out and hacking the shower curtain back to make sure there weren’t any more back there. His foot squished down on the body as he misstepped and he cursed in a voice four octaves higher than normal before he leapt back in a fighting stance.

There was no blood.

Just a smiling Prompto doll in pieces staring up at him like something out of a horror novel. He ran backward out of the bathroom, the sword still pointed at the motionless doll, muttering the words ‘ _what the fuck_ ’ over and over again to himself.

He made it to the living room, breathing heavily. His knees were shaking with adrenaline. Nothing in the apartment was moving. He sat down hard against the wall, only to spot what looked like the edges of Noctis’s formal suit peeking out from under the couch.

Nope. No. Fuck that. Not Happening. He wasn’t going to look… He whined out a groan and shut his eyes steeling himself before he leaned down and peeked, recoiling as he met Prompto’s eyes from under the couch, seemingly glowing out at him all while wearing Noct’s Princely Raiment. Gladio jerked upright and stared at the blank wall.

That was it. He was… asleep! That was the only explanation. Pretty sure he was having a nightmare. All that he needed to complete his theory was for one of the Promptos skittering up the hallway like in a badly done horror movie. He stared into the darkness of the hallway, waiting for it.

Gladio waited for a solid minute, listening for any sign of what was going to happen next. Fuck it. _Even in dreams he didn’t have time for this bullshit._

“Where the fuck are you?! I know you’re going to pop out somewhere--” He got up and reached for the door handle of the closet and yanked. Three more Promptos spilled out in a gangly lump at him and, even though it was expected, he still shrieked and slapped them away with his hands, backing into Noctis’s room.

_They weren’t even fucking trying in here!_

There was a giant lump under the blankets of his bed. With a feral growl, Gladio ripped the comforter from the bed only to find four more Promptos badly dressed in way too small shorts--

_Wait. Were they all hard!?_

The pile of Promptos leered out at him, shorts and boxers wrapped tightly over their hips displaying their hard cocks obscenely. Gladio made a choked noise.

Of COURSE.

His brain didn’t think this entire scenario was bizarre enough. He was surrounded by a bunch of Horny Horror Movie Promptos. He started laughing desperately, eyes too wide and watering, his giggles sounding more hysterical by the second. He sprang into action then, pulling all the cupboards and closets in the apartment open, shrieking with terror and laughter as body after body spilled out at him.

At least none of them could move.

His sword lay forgotten on the dining room table as he played his disturbing rendition of Where’s Waldo around the apartment with Prompto. The last thing he found was a single severed arm in the ice bin. He sat on the floor of the living room hugging a doll and holding the arm, tears in his eyes, his throat hoarse from wheezing. He felt lightheaded which he didn’t realize he could feel in a dream. He sat there as food continued to drop from the ceiling in the kitchen and waited to wake up.

* * *

Ignis’s strange demeanor didn’t cease in the car, in fact, it only got worse the closer they drew to their destination. By the time they got to the apartment door, Noctis thought Ignis was going to snap, but before he could really say anything, the Adviser unlocked the door and let them inside to…

Chaos. Chaos was the only word to describe what they found on the other side. Gladio, wheezing and giggling and muttering to himself, sat on the floor, a body draped across him while he held an arm in one hand.

Ignis dropped his keys but didn’t even bother to pick them up, a whimper escaping his lips at the damage Hurricane Gladio had caused, undoing all the work Ignis had put in to hiding every single one of those Promptos.

They were _everywhere_. Scattered across the floor, the kitchen, the closet, all of them staring in different directions like victims of a murder gone terribly, terribly wrong. He turned and looked at Prompto first, brain desperately trying to think of something to say to the younger man, but he felt braindead at that moment, unable to process anything of use.

Prompto surveyed the apartment with an unreadable expression on his face, something between bothered, fascinated, and dare Ignis say, amused? But the blond could only let out a nervous laugh as he looked at his friends.

“Uh, um, why do they all look like me?”

Immediately, Ignis thought to blame Gladio, for some reason. His gaze shot to the man sitting in shock on the apartment floor, but he finally managed to come to his senses and turned towards the unusually silent prince at his side. He got a perverted sense of pleasure from how white Noctis’s face had gone, some part of him happy to know that it was finally sinking in in the other man’s mind that he’d done something to be sorry for.

But the longer he stared, waiting for Noctis to say something, the more he recognized the prince’s expression for what it was: genuine shock.

Another giggle from Gladio brought Ignis out of his thoughts and he looked at the big guy once again, pitying his poor friend. He was probably the only one who knew of Gladio’s secret but _giant_ aversion to horror films. And, considering the state of the apartment, Gladio had pretty much landed himself right in one.

Despite the silence, Prompto shut the door behind them and took a few steps forward towards the nearest doll - the one dressed in Noctis’s Raiments. He felt uncomfortable, bothered, but as he knelt beside the doll, he blinked in surprise at its quality. It was surprisingly well made - even had his freckles! - but how? Why? He glanced down and blanched when the reality hit him, and Prompto stumbled back, looking to Ignis and Noctis in horror.

“ _WHY AM I A FUCK DOLL?_ ”

Visibly flinching at the exclamation, Noctis hung his head, unable to hide the truth or keep a poker face any longer. He could feel Ignis looking at him without lifting his head to confirm, yet he still found himself scrambling for an excuse, a story, anything to keep the truth hidden about his feelings for Prompto.

“Uh, I was um, looking for a 3D model builder for a project last night?” he tried to say, clearing his throat several times and serving the lie little help by doing so. “Somehow I wound up on a porn site…”

Ignis crossed his arms at the poor confession, eyebrow shooting up. “Noctis,” he said in a too-calm voice, “ _explain why you bought fifty sex models of your friend._ ”

Prompto couldn’t help the disbelieving laugh that escaped his lips at Ignis’s question, and he covered his mouth before any more could come out. Noctis looked wrecked, and although he didn’t have an inkling about the prince’s true feelings for him before, now he was starting to wonder.

Before Noctis could answer through, Gladio giggled again and held up the doll draped across his arms. “Because he’s a thirsty dumbass?”

This time, Prompto didn’t hold back his laughter, Noctis’s feelings be damned. He pointed at Gladio through his laughing and nodded. “I’m going with his answer,” he agreed jokingly before he came to his senses and shook his head. Wait, what was he saying? “Nah, Noctis doesn’t think about me like that!” He walked back over to the prince and clapped a hand on his friend’s shoulder, smiling.

But Noctis didn’t respond, head hung low as if in shame.

“Uh, dude?”

Gladio’s giggles turned into wheezing laughter as he clutched the doll to his chest. “Most people buy roses or shit!” he practically shouted uproariously. “BUT PRINCE DUMBASS--”

“--Gladio,” Ignis cut in softly, but Gladio wasn’t done.

“--BUYS FIFTY SEX DOLLS AND CONFESSES WITH THEM INSTEAD.”

Ignis let out a quiet sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose as he looked back at Noctis, who had yet to say anything. Prompto was still staring at his friend in shocked surprise, but was also unusually quiet. Ignis supposed the reason for the purchase could wait for another time, but he was starting, at this point, to suspect it was an accident.

It was the only thing that made sense.

“Noctis, what...are we going to do with all these?”

Prompto let out a soft laugh, glancing around as he pulled out his phone. “I feel bad throwing them away,” he admitted before he could help it, earning a shocked look from Ignis. “I’ll take a few!” He didn’t need to wait for their reactions to realize how it came out and he flailed in protest. “ _NOT FOR THAT REASON_ , fuck. I thought I could use one to sit in class for me, or use it for photography, or something!”

The tension eased in both Ignis and Noctis, but Gladio barked out a laugh and finally looked up just as Prompto took a picture of himself posing with the dolls. “So, you’re saying you _wouldn’t_ fuck yourself if given the opportunity?”

Prompto flushed a deep red before he could help it. “NO.”

Gladio kept going. “Multiple posin’ opportunities!” he exclaimed as he made the doll in his arms ‘talk’. “ _Would you fuck me? I’D FUCK ME._ ”

Ignis pinched the bridge of his nose again with another sigh before he looked back at Noctis. “Well?” he asked the prince, waiting for an answer to his initial question.

Finally looking up, Noctis met Ignis’s gaze, but before he could answer, there was a knock at the door that froze all four of them in their tracks.

Ignis paled out but was the first to approach the door, peering through the eye hole. He started then leapt back to open the door, quickly revealing the King and his Shield.

Regis walked in slowly, looking around. Prompto and Noct stood frozen, eyes as wide as saucers as they watched. Regis took his time inspecting the state of disarray the apartment was in before solemnly nodding his head.

“This is about what I thought I’d find.”

Clarus had a perturbed look on his face, walking past Regis around the living room, scrutinizing the dolls. He paused in front of the real Prompto and reached out towards his face, only for the blond to blink and lean away. Clarus squawked and jerked his hand back as Prom yelled at his reaction and stumbled back.

“This one’s real!” Clarus laughed to himself and shook his head. “Good one!”

Prom weakly laughed and shrugged, not knowing what to say.

“I received a very interesting notification this morning, Noctis,” Regis addressed his son. “Have you been on social media today?”

Noct blinked and pulled his phone out of his pocket. He had three missed calls and numerous notifications he hadn’t bothered checking.

“I’ll take your silence as a no. Your foray into the sex industry last night has stirred up quite a few...impassioned headlines. You’re being hailed as a hero of the sex industry as the first sex-positive Royal known to the public.”

Ignis made a dying noise and braced himself against the couch.

“Apparently your purchase gave a lot of the people in that company enough funds to expand and create more jobs and better benefits. There’s a Thank You letter circulating on the internet from their company to you.”

“S-Sex positive?!” Noctis squeaked.

“You made a large public purchase under your own name to be sent directly to you. As odd as it was being made known of your particular…proclivities towards your friend this morning, I’m glad to know you’ve made such a positive impact in these people’s lives and for your own reputation. Things of this nature can easily be spun negatively, and to protect your public relations we’re going to refute nothing.”

Noct sat down hard, then yelped when he landed on a doll, springing back to his feet.

“The only thing we need to address is your misappropriating funds from the Royal Treasury. After doing a bit of research into these…dolls, however, we’ve come to the conclusion that they’re lifelike enough to be used in our combat and explosion simulation training for the Glaives.”

The announcement rippled through Noctis and his friends like a shock wave, the prince the first to react as he turned to his father. “You’re going to give the Prompto sex dolls to the _Glaives_?” he exclaimed incredulously.

“Considering the amount of money you spent last night from the Royal Treasury, I believe I’ve found a satisfactory method of regaining our losses.” Regis explained as if it were a simple manner, shrugging as he leveled his gaze at his son. He motioned with his hand and a few officers, that had apparently been waiting outside, came in carrying large containers to begin gathering the Prompto dolls.

They stacked them quickly and efficiently one at a time, thoroughly searching the apartment as Noctis and the others just watched. Except for Gladio, who slowly grew more possessive over the one draped in his arms to the point where he was clutching it against his chest, growling at the officers trying to take it from him.

Regis lifted an eyebrow and glanced at Clarus, who sighed and shrugged. “I guess they can keep one,” he mused, barely managing a straight face as he said it.

Ignis couldn’t help feeling slightly perturbed that he’d spent the entire morning stashing and hiding these dolls, only to have them found and retrieved one at a time. In addition to the mess Gladio had made, multiple things fell off shelves and onto the floor despite how careful the officers were being.

They had just about finished when Noctis realized the dolls were all wearing his clothes and, after glaring daggers at Ignis, he tried to stop the officers and his father. “Wait!” he exclaimed desperately. “They’re all dressed in my clothes!”

Regis lifted an eyebrow and glanced at the last container before he sighed and rubbed his forehead. "I suppose I can offer the option of redressing the dolls to a glaive who's been tasked with wall duty as an alternative. Should break up the monotony of their restriction until they're allowed back to full duty."

Clarus stifled a snicker at this. “We’ll have Cor let Ignis know when your clothes are ready to be retrieved,” he advised, nodding to the Adviser before he and the king took their leave.

The silence they left in their wake was awkward, to say the least. Gladio still sat on the floor clutching his Prompto doll with soft giggles; Ignis was staring at the floor, bewildered by the announcement that the world _knew_ about this; Noctis was also staring at the floor, worrying about his clothes now; but Prompto seemed to be the only one not as fazed as the others.

Sure, the sex doll thing was weird, but he expected Noctis had an actual explanation he’d hear at some point. He could say with certainty that he knew his friend better than to think of him as a lech or a pervert. And to be fair, they were all a bit perverted.

“So, uh, about that pizza?”

Three pairs of eyes shot to him, causing Prompto to laugh a bit nervously as he fiddled with his phone. “Or not?” He laughed again before looking down at Gladio and biting his lip. “Uh, is he gonna be okay?”

The trauma of being found out began to subside as Ignis shifted his attention to the delirious Shield on the floor of the apartment. With a sigh, he walked over to Gladio and helped the other man to his feet. “I will be taking him home,” he said, “when I return, Noctis, you and I will be having a long talk.”

Noctis looked up with a frown as Ignis escorted Gladio, Prompto doll still in his arms, out the door, bending to pick up his fallen keys on the way. The prince nearly blanched at being left alone with Prompto after everything they had just endured, but when he finally braved to look at his friend, he wasn’t expecting Prompto to be so...normal.

“So I guess we better talk before Iggy gets back?” the blond asked as he walked over to Noctis, stopping a few feet away. “Gotta say I’m surprised, buddy. I thought the real thing would be a better alternative to a bunch of dolls.“ He held his hands in front of him in a gesture, which had Noct’s eyes traveling up and down the length of his body.

He lived for the shade of red that colored Noctis’s cheeks, smirking.

"Am I not high performance enough for you?" He raised one eyebrow and gave a slow spin, ending in finger guns. "Fully poseable, with full thrust action! No batteries needed unless you're into buying accessories! But wait! There's more! This prototype is fully capable of kicking your ass in games and comes with a variety of catchphrases!"

“I, uh, didn’t opt for the sound feature since I didn’t have any recordings,” Noctis mumbled out before realizing how idiotic that was, but when he looked up, Prompto had faltered and was blushing just as much as he was. “Huh, guess the dolls can’t do that either.”

They stood there staring at each other for a moment, a heaviness in the air. His face flushing with a seriousness that hadn’t been there before, Prompto braved a step forward and bit his lip. “Will you let me show you what else they can’t do?” he asked tentatively.

Noctis groaned and covered his face in his hands, thinking he was being teased. “Okay, I get it,” he moaned. “I’m sorry.” He peeked through his fingers and saw the expression on Prompto’s face, wondering if he was wrong.

“So, why sex dolls and not me?”

Biting back another groan, Noctis sighed, shoulders slumping. “I...I wasn’t ever planning on _ordering_ any,” he muttered. “I just...it was…” He closed his eyes and took a breath. “Yesterday you were doing all those poses and it was just...too much. So I went to go, you know, take care of things, saw an ad and had a little fun. They had to have my card for me to use the full site, so...I did. But I don’t remember ordering any! Much less _fifty_.”

Prompto lifted an eyebrow at the confession, surprised to hear Noctis be honest, but unsure of what the prince was saying. “So, you think I’m hot?” he asked, jokingly, unsure and needing confirmation.

“Of course I do!” Noctis exclaimed, sounding relieved to say it out loud. “Who doesn’t? I’ve been crushing since we first met, but was too afraid to say anything.”

Sunshine could have filled the room right then, but it would have had nothing on Prompto’s smile, spreading across his face in joy and relief.

“Dang, dude, you should’ve said something sooner,” the blond laughed, closing the distance between them. “I’ve been dropping hint after hint since we met.” He giggled and leaned forward, barely tracing his fingers along Nocts jaw. “Man, I should’ve started yoga with Iggy sooner.”

Noctis let out a nervous laugh of relief, and took a shot. “Does this mean we get to have sex now?”

Prompto lifted an eyebrow and snorted. “I hope you’re better at sex with that mouth than you are at sweet talk,” he commented in reply. “How can I resist such charm and seduction?” He watched Noctis hide behind his hands again in shame and laughed softly, taking on a confidence Noct wasn’t used to seeing in him. He leaned forward and whispered low into Noct’s ear. “Of course, if you want to make it up to me, you can start on your knees?”

Once again peeking from behind his hands, Noctis realized Prompto was indeed serious and slid off the couch onto his knees in front of his friend. His heart was pounding at the sudden shift and change between them, wondering how Prompto could be so forgiving despite his blunder in somehow ordering fifty lifelike sex dolls of him.

_What a way to confess._

But now, here they were, seconds away from hitting third base, and it felt so natural. Noctis was wondering how on earth he could ever have been satisfied with a doll now that he had the real thing right here.

Blue eyes watched as Prompto brought his hands to his belt and undid it, followed by the button of his jeans. He pushed them down out of the way a bit before he reached to do the same with his briefs, meeting Noctis’s gaze as he freed himself. “So?” he asked, a little breathlessly. “Does it live up to what you were fantasizing about?”

Noct’s eyes dropped to the dick in Prompto’s hands. The trail of light blonde hair led down to something even better than he could have imagined. Freckles claimed the skin that spanned the girth and curve of the most delicious looking dick he’d ever seen, in real life or on-screen.

  
His mouth watered as he licked his lips and thought about the size he’d given the dolls. “I did them a disservice,” he admitted as he reached to touch Prompto.

Prompto grinned and gave a roll of his hips, seductively, ready for what Noctis was so eager to offer. He slid his fingers into the prince’s hair and watched as his cock slid between those soft lips. He regretted, briefly, that this was the first thing they’d do together instead of kiss and touch and explore, but after realizing Noctis had bought fifty sex dolls, maybe something traditional and slow just wasn’t for them.

And they could always kiss later.

Noctis opened his mouth and took all of Prompto in, relaxing his mouth and throat as he looked up to meet those violet eyes. They sparkled with excitement and a hint of mischief, and even if he’d gotten the sex dolls to max perfection in terms of accuracy, nothing could have replaced the life in those eyes.

Or the sounds Prompto made as Noctis sucked him off. Soft breathy whimpers of need escaped his friend’s lips as Noctis drew back along the length, and explored his way through this. He was embarrassed to admit he’d never done this before, but judging by the noises Prompto was making, either he’d never had a blowjob before, or Noctis was doing pretty good.

Or both!

He tried to think of things he’d watched, of things he knew felt good when he touched himself. He’d let Prompto guide him, he really did want this to be good for, uh, was Prompto his boyfriend?

Before he could think on that much longer, Prompto let out a soft gasp and whimper when Noctis lavished the tip of his dick with his tongue. He hadn’t even been blowing him for that long, yet Prompto stopped him.

“So, which pose did you want me in?”

Noctis nearly choked on the dick in his mouth but pulled back, wiping his mouth. “All of them,” he croaked, licking his lips as Prompto’s eyes flashed with delight, “but next time. I gotta blow you before Iggy gets back.”

Without waiting, Noctis took all of Prompto back into his mouth, humming softly as those fingers tightened in his hair. He bobbed his head, experimented with his tongue, reaching down between his legs to palm himself through his pants once he got too hard to ignore. Prompto whimpered and his hips jerked a little with each bob of the prince’s head, and together, they found a rhythm that let them move together.

The pleasure rolling up through him was almost too much for Prompto to handle. His toes curled, his back arched, and his fingers tightened more in Noctis’s hair. It was over too soon, but they’d get better at it. “Noct,” he gasped, trying to warn the prince as he opened his eyes, not even aware he’d closed them.

Noctis pulled off with a soft ‘pop’, drool on his chin that he wiped off as he looked up at Prompto. “I can take it,” he promised, taking that weeping cock back between his lips, hallowing his cheeks as he slid forward.

Crying out, Prompto doubled over and came hard, hips jerking into that willing mouth until he was spent, whimpering with need as he felt Noctis swallowing around him. He pulled back in time to watch the prince rub himself through his pants to completion, hips jerking against his own hand before Prompto had the audacity to comment on it.

“Dude,” he breathed. “Those were like, your only pair of pants.”

* * *

Over in Zegnautus Keep a security officer scurried quickly to Besithia’s office, reports clutched tightly in his hands. He approached the door and rapidly typed in the keycode to gain entry. Verstael looked up from his computer at the flustered security officer and raised a single eyebrow without a word.

"Sir, I believe Lucis is sending us a message that we cannot overlook. I've been monitoring their social media feeds to keep our finger on the current thoughts and trends of their population and-"

" _Get to the point._ "

"Ah.. Yes. Of course." The officer handed Verstael the documents. "The comments make the majority believe that the Prince has ordered a mass quantity of sex dolls but considering their appearance, I believe it's safe to assume Lucis is on to our cloning program and may be developing their own."

Verstael took in a large breath and held it. The spitting image of his teenage self flashing a peace sign with what appeared to be a large group of smiling clones behind him posed awkwardly in the image.

Verstael’s withered hands shook as he silently lowered the report to his desk. For them to have information about Nifelheim’s cloning projects, they would likely have a spy planted. He'd always suspected Glauca would end up double-crossing them. Never trust a man who would so quickly betray his country not to betray you as well.

"Contact the Chancellor and let him know I need to confer with him and the Emperor as soon as possible."

* * *

_The next day…_

When Nyx was told to report to the Citadel’s lower levels instead of the Wall for duty, he’d been excited. Finally, something other than Wall duty for being outspoken against Drautos or whoever he’d managed to piss off that day. But he wasn’t expecting a room full of boxes and a pile of uniforms and the directions: “dress all the dolls and put the clothes in one of the containers to be collected later.”

Dolls? Clothes? What was this, Barbie’s playhouse?

Hesitantly, Nyx crossed the room to the nearest container and opened it, nearly flinging himself across the room back into the wall at the sight he was met with. Several lifelike blond dolls stared up at him from within, a familiar face that took Nyx a few minutes to register as the prince’s best friend.

Pronto? Promtis? PROMPTO.

Looking around, Nyx struggled to understand what was going on. Why were there several large containers holding all these dolls of the prince’s friend? Better yet, why was it his job today to undress and redress all of them?

He lifted one of the surprisingly sturdy dolls up by an arm and checked it out. It moved just like a regular person would. Creepy. He started undressing all the dolls first, sitting them in a corner before tossing all the clothing into the provided containers. He’d dress them after so none of the clothing got mixed up, but avoiding looking at all the floppy dicks would prove to be...hard.

Plus, he figured dressing them was going to be the harder task. His hands monotonously went through the motions and his mind began focusing on other things, trying to keep himself from thinking strange-- _wait, how far down do those freckles go_?? He blinked and held the doll up looking down the torso...all the way down and _thoroughly applied_ , it seemed.

“Uhh... What’cha got there, buddy?” Nyx heard Libertus at the door and didn’t bother looking over.

“Working it for the crown, as usual.”

“They’re punishing you with a bunch of naked dolls? Is that why you keep pulling dumb shit?” Lib was holding two lunches and grinning. “Indulging a kink for the crown?”

Nyx gave him a sardonic look. “That must be it. It get my rocks off each time I piss Drautos off and then I get to play grown-up barbie for a few days.”

Libertus cackled and brought his lunch over. “Alright freak, I brought you those skewers you like since I figured you’d be stuck on some lame duty, but if you’re having that good of a time, I might just eat them myself.”

Nyx dropped the doll and made grabby motions at the food. “If you don’t get that shit over here so I can put it in my mouth-”

A loud cough caught their attention. Both men blinked and looked over to Tredd standing in the doorway.

“Uhh.. you two want me to shut the door?” He made the motion to back away as Lib and Nyx glanced at each other then back at Tredd in disgust.

“Oh, fuck no--!”  
“Dude is like my brother!”

“I’m not judging... “ Tredd barked out a laugh. “Okay, that’s a lie. I’m judging. And it’s hilarious.” He came in and did a double take at the dolls stacked in the corner. “Okay, I know I was joking about you two fucking, but _what the fucking fuck_!?”

“You’re a fucking poet, Tredd.” Nyx dusted his hands off and walked over to where Lib was setting up food. “You here to replace me for lunch break?”

“Technically, I'm assigned to cover your lunch break, but now I’m thinking it depends on what exactly you’re wanting me to cover.” Tredd hadn’t taken his eyes off the dolls. “Are these some sort of weird waifu doll things?”

Lib choked on his skewer, prompting Nyx to smack his back until he cleared it.

“You’re calling us depraved or whatever, but here you are talking about waifu dolls,” Nyx jeered. “Should I count them to make sure they’re all still here when you leave?”

Tredd walked over to one of the naked dolls and lifted it, his face blankly horrified.

“ _Oh my fucking god, they JIGGLE._ ”

Lib and Nyx both cackled and slapped the table.

Tredd turned the doll towards them, holding it by the arms, facing his comrades. He started kicking its feet towards them like it was walking, and flopped its arms.

“ _Hey Hot Stuff! Tredd mocked in falsetto. “Let me Show you a good timmmeee_!!”

“Fuck off, Wreck-It-Wakka!” Nyx waved his arms at him, still laughing.

“ _Just let me love you--!_ ” Tredd jerked the doll around closer to the men who guffawed and shoved him away, not noticing Crowe at the doorway, looking amused.

“If you perverts are done fucking around, I’ve got orders for these dolls.”

Tredd dropped the doll and stepped back, trying to act like he had no part in it.

“I don’t know, Crowe, I think Tredd might need a moment!” Lib wheezed.

“Just be careful with those dolls, you freaks. We’re using them in magical explosion training later today.”

“We’re blowing up the dolls of the Princes friend?” Tredd looked shocked.

Nyx whistled lowly. “Who did the poor kid piss off? Isn’t he supposed to start training soon?”

Drautos appeared behind Crowe, looking exhausted and uncharacteristically wrecked. “He didn’t piss anyone off. Our dumbass Prince misappropriated the royal treasury because he’s a horny teen, and we’re dealing with the fallout! There was no thought put into these made with any part of a brain!”

The Glaives looked surprised over his frazzled outburst.

“So he pissed off the Prince then?” Tredd started.

“ _He didn’t piss anyone off._ ”

“I have a hard time believing the Prince would be okay with us blowing up nearly fifty of the dolls he ordered of his friend, if he wasn’t angry with him,” Nyx wondered aloud cautiously.

“Fifty _sex_ dolls.” Crowe chimed in.

“I counted forty-seven?” Nyx added.

“None of this makes sense,” Lib was speculating. “I can see a horny teen ordering ONE doll but this many? Then immediately ordering them blown up? He’s gotta be thinking--”

“-- _HE WASN’T THINKING. NONE OF THIS WAS THOUGHT OUT. HE’S JUST A DUMBASS KID AND NOT THE MASTERMIND BEHIND ANY SORT OF BULLSHIT PLAN-_ -” Drautos pounded his fist on the table before cutting himself off and sliding down and sitting, covering his head with his arms and groaning. “ _Why does no one believe me!?_ ”

The Glaives all exchanged concerned looks. Lib patted Drautos on the back and Nyx pushed over his container of skewers in a silent offer.

“Yeah, this shit’s weird. How about we all head out for drinks after work and blow off some steam, eh Captain?”

Drautos left out a long breath of air before raising his bloodshot eyes to the Glaives around him and nodding slowly. “I could use a fucking drink.” He patted Nyx and Lib on the shoulder and stood back up. “Forgive my outburst, it’s been one shitty day.” He looked at each of them, all naive to the truth behind his words. “Let’s go blow shit up and get those drinks together. After all, we’re all family.”

“Sounds good to us!”

“For Hearth and Home.”

“For Hearth and Home!”

* * *

Meanwhile, Noctis had no idea why he was being summoned to the Citadel along with Prompto, Ignis, and Gladio. Just him? Sure, understandable. Him, and Gladio, and Ignis? Awkward and potentially uncomfortable, but still understandable.

But Prompto wasn’t really _quite_ yet ready to be a part of all this, so the fact that his friend-turned-boyfriend was coming along told the prince this had to do with the sex dolls, and he feared what that meant. He hoped nothing had happened that took all the positivity away from the outcome of yesterday…

After Noctis had soiled his pants and was forced to change into the only pair of pajamas he had left, he and Prompto gorged themselves on cold pizza before deciding to be nice, for once, and help clean the apartment. They managed to get the kitchen done before they fell asleep together on the couch after a nice, long, pizza-flavored makeout session.

Ignis came home after that, very much in the mood to give Noctis an earful, but after seeing him asleep with Prompto all cuddled up on the couch, he could only sigh and cover them with a blanket while he set out to clean the rest of the apartment. He noted the kitchen had been handled, though, and couldn’t help a smile.

Okay, maybe Noctis was slightly more forgiven now, but still in deep shit.

Now, as they headed inside the Citadel together that morning, Noctis and Prompto freely held hands despite their nerves, swinging them between each other as they marched in front of Gladio and Ignis to the throne room.

They did not expect the full Council to be waiting there, and suddenly, Noctis and Prompto both felt very underdressed, especially since Noctis had to borrow a change of clothes from Prompto for the time being.

They came to a stop in front of the entire Council and Noctis shifted awkwardly as he waited for his father to address him. Regis didn’t look upset, though, he actually looked quite amused, and Clarus too. Noctis looked around at the Council and found most of them in a similar state, which made him confused.

If this was good news, why were they being summoned like this? What could possibly have happened?

“My son,” Regis began, “I had a rather interesting conversation this morning with the Emperor.”

Noctis blinked at his father’s words and looked from him to Prompto and back in confusion. What did _Niflheim_ have to do with anything? And why summon Prompto to something like this? He kept his mouth shut, though, and waited for the king to finish explaining.

“Turns out, they found out about your purchase too,” Regis continued and Noct began to feel weak in the knees. He squeezed Prompto’s hand and tried not to lean on his friend too much. “Only, instead of thinking it for the blunder it was, they believed we are creating our own clone army to counter the one they didn’t think I was aware they were building!”

A silence overcame the throne room, as if it weren’t just Noctis and his friends who were learning about the clone army Niflheim had been building.

“Majesty,” one man spoke up, Noctis couldn’t remember his name. “Are we not certain this is just due to the fact that Aldercapt is a known prude and the idea of fifty, possibly more, sex dolls intimidates him?” He smiled at the prince. “Our young prince’s sexual prowess is enough to make that bag of bones quiver where he stands.”

Noct fought down a gag as the old man batted his lashes at him.

Regis’s eyes twinkled. “I’d not put that theory past him, but considering the email I’ve shown you all,” as he spoke, he lifted his arm to gesture, revealing the spare Prompto-doll arm that had been at Nocts apartment last night. “The powerpoint I have up on our screen here is the only thing we have to go by.”

He used the arm as a pointer, going over Altercapt’s sentences, reiterating the statement he’d received that morning.

“Ex-Excuse me your Majesty..? I believe that’s my arm?” Prompto nearly whispered, bewildered.

“Technically that’s my arm, as I bought it,” Noct murmured.

“This is the Crown’s Arm, as the Royal Treasury was used to purchase it,” Regis called over in reply, his ears picking up their comments from across the room. “We’ve been considering all the many ideas on how to repurpose it, and it’s mine now.”

“If we could focus on the matter at hand?” Clarus smoothly interjected before further indignations could be sputtered. Regis waved the hand at him with a wink and the Shield hid a smile. “Not what I meant, your Majesty.” He turned his attention back to the prince. “Speaking of titles though, Noctis, I believe the Council has decided on what to bestow upon you.”

The prince’s face became a blank mask, but not before horror and alarm could be seen.

“The war is over, my son.” Regis looked regally gleeful. “As reigning monarch and proud father, it is the greatest honor to be allowed to bestow upon the one who ended decades of oppression and war overnight with a new title. Come here, Prince Noctis.”

Noctis stiffly approached the dais and knelt before his father, all eyes on him.

“I dub thee, Noctis Lucis Caelum, The Thirsty.”

Gladio and Ignis made choked noises and Noct froze.

Prompto let out a badly repressed wheeze. “Oh fuck... Tell me I can buy him a sash. A sparkly one,” he breathed, shoulders shaking and eyes watering.

“Is…Is this an official title, Your Majesty?” Ignis hesitantly inquired.

“It’s already been written into the books, Ignis,” Regis answered with a firm nod.

Ignis felt a little like dying. He...was Adviser to The Thirsty. His mouth opened and closed a few times before he nodded and bowed.

“The honor is mine, Your Majesty,” Noctis choked out. “If I may be dismissed to…to process with my retinue and make necessary changes to my addresses?”

“You are dismissed. I’ll see you for dinner later this week!” Regis cheerfully waved his hand and the spare at the group as they retreated.

As soon as the doors were closed, Prompto smacked Noctis on the back and roared with laughter. “YOU’VE GOT THE DICK THAT ENDED THE WAR! ALL HAIL HIS THIRSTINESS!” He cackled.

Gladio grinned while Ignis looked shell-shocked.

“How much you guys want to bet he’s going to get offered a ‘tall glass of water’ at every event from now on? People are going to be throwing themselves at you.” Prompto wiped his eyes and wrapped his arm around Noct’s shoulders. “But holy shit… the war is over! The Prompto SexBots turned the tide in the war! God, I hope they don’t include naked pictures of those things in the text books. Can you imagine having to explain that to any future kids we might have? _What did you study in class today, junior?? Well Dads, the entire class had to stare at a blown-up picture of your--_ "

Noctis wrestled an arm around Prompto and pulled his head into his chest, messing up his hair.

“NOCT, NO!! MY HAIR!”

“Noctis,” Ignis spoke up calmly, trying to collect himself so he could talk and address this properly. He waited for the prince to release his friend, and Prompto laughed as he was released. He pulled out his phone to check his hair, only to find it full of notifications, to the point where it was struggling to push anymore through. He stopped listening to what the others were talking about and thumbed through what he could read.

Some were from his friends, laughing at the article, followed by shock that the war was over because of the dolls. Others were from modeling agents, and uh, sex film people, but the worst was the ones that had managed to get sent to his junk folders - all of them from perverted creeps sending him dick pics and--

“ _UGH_.” Prompto locked his phone as the others looked at him.

“Is something the matter?” Ignis asked, concerned.

Prompto frowned, not really wanting to say anything but he sighed and pulled his phone back out, handing it to Ignis with the perverted messages on the screen. Ignis took one look and tensed with displeasure, but he thumbed through the messages, some of which included creepy threats, and handed it to Gladio for silent confirmation of a question both he and the Shield seemed to be asking each other.

Only Noctis was left to wonder what was going on.

“Yeah,” Gladio said with a nod, handing the phone back to Prompto, who blinked owlishly at them both.

“What?”

“I hate to admit it, blondie, but you and Noctis probably shouldn’t go anywhere unattended,” Gladio explained. “We’ll probably get a Glaive to go with you when you’re not with Noctis. I’ll go grab Cor.”

“Wait, no, I don’t need a--” Prompto tried to protest before Gladio slipped through the doors of the throne room, sighing when his words fell on deaf ears.

“Wait, why does Prom need a bodyguard?” Noctis was questioning Ignis, but the Adviser only looked at Prompto, deferring to the blond to answer.

Again, Prompto sighed and handed his phone to the prince, showing him all the nasty messages that were waiting for his response. The prince made a face and handed the phone back to Prompto before he reached for the blond and tugged him close, as if deciding he would be the one to protect his boyfriend.

Prompto returned the embrace just as Gladio appeared with Cor from the throne room. Cor took one look at the phone once it was offered and made a noise that none of them could quite identify, something akin to an indignant grunt, and motioned for Prompto to follow.

“Let’s get you a Glaive.”

* * *

Prompto followed Cor nervously down the halls of the Citadel, heading out to where the Glaives trained and were executing tests. He’d had to come without Noctis at his side, which made things all the more awkward for the poor blond as they walked along. There were very few places in the Citadel that he’d seen, even fewer that he’d been with without Noct, and the fact that he was with The _Immortal_ of all people, was blowing his mind.

His phone had been confiscated - temporarily - to assess the messages and make sure none of the threats were valid, but since some of them did mention the prince, the messages were being taken seriously. Prompto couldn’t really refute that.

But he didn’t really feel right about getting his own Glaive to protect him. Did he really need one? Was it right for him to take the Citadel’s resources for his own needs?

Shrugging, Prompto was startled out of his thoughts by an explosion nearby. They were approaching a door that led outside and he assumed the Glaives were running some kind of drills, right? He wasn’t about to be...exploded, right?

The Marshall put his hand on Prompto’s shoulder, leading him to one of the viewing rooms and handing him some safety gear.

“The Glaives are finishing up their training for today still. We should wait in the back of the room with them while they’re still detonating their devices. Don’t want to catch any friendly fire.”

Prompto put on the hearing protection device and nodded, wide-eyed. He followed behind Cor into the room as the Marshall nodded at the occupants who just as quickly nodded back and refocused on their assignment. Prompto crept in silently behind, not wishing to disturb the older men.

“Fifty yards!! Suck it, Luche!” Tredd fist-pumped and jeered at the Glaive next to him.

Luche clicked his tongue behind his teeth in annoyance. “Yes, you launched the dummy fifty yards, but not much more. You detonated a Firaga that essentially blew up the gas tank without continuing any sort of magical damage. We might as well have set off a normal bomb. It was loud, flashy, and essentially useless in the end. Much like you.”

The other glaives all made low ‘oooh’ing noises and grinned as Tredd sputtered. “Fuck you, you cocky blonde prick! Let’s see if you’re any better. You’re good at bitching about things but when it comes down to it, you’re all talk!”

Luche lifted a brow at Tredd as he entered the arena and placed his prototype next to the next doll. He pressed the button on top and warped back to safety as an automated voice counted down.

“My Delayed Thundara spell is going to destroy yours.”

The countdown ended and lightning shot out of the bomb with a loud crack, the doll lifting several feet into the air, the metal in the joints going haywire before landing in a smoking mess a few yards away. Lightning trailed out twenty yards in every direction before fizzling out.

Tredd laughed. “What the hell was that?! He barely got any lift!”

“MT’s are primarily metal. The Thundara would eliminate the threat, destroy any electrical connections remaining, and spread out to any nearby MT’s to do the same. We could take out ten to twenty of them in one go without having to actually face any in combat!”

“Pfft. Lame. If shit doesn’t explode and send everything flying, what’s the point? Mine’s way more intimidating!”

A vein protruded from Luche’s head and he pointedly turned, ignoring Tredd’s mockery. “Pelna, how many do we have left?”

The dark-haired man was in the arena, removing the doll. He reached up and touched his communicator. “I think that’s it for the day, guys. We need to save some for secondary trials. Want to see the days results?” He grinned and retrieved the cart with the destroyed dolls, wheeling it in front of the window, tangled limbs hanging off grotesquely, heads still smiling.

Several of the Glaive leaned forward to get a better look.

“That’s pretty creepy,” Nyx murmured, eyeing the dolls.

Libertus nodded. “Looks like a scene right out of a horror movie. I’m waiting for one of them to get up and yell at us or something.”

“You afraid you’re going to get cursed or something? Revenge of the Dolls once midnight rolls around?” Tredd cackled and stood, walking towards the door. “You bunch are the most superstitious group of idiots I’ve ever met!”

Prompto moved sideways to get out of the way, making eye contact with the red-head just as he passed.

“ _FUCKING HELL, WHAT THE FUCK!? THIS ONE IS MOVING!_ ” He stumbled back and fell over the chairs, landing in a heap on his ass.

Prompto leapt back at the other man’s reaction, not knowing what to do. He looked up, wide-eyed, at Nyx, who blinked then grinned.

“Hey! Prompto, right?”

“Nice to meet you?” Prompto offered weakly.

Luche broke out in ugly laughter at Tredd, hands on his knees and unable to form words. Tredd continued to curse as he gathered himself back up, his face as red as his hair. He stood up puffing his chest out, glaring at Prompto.

Cor took a step closer to Prompto and caught Tredd’s eye. Tredd furrowed his brow, then visibly deflated, pushing past Prompto to exit the room, nodding a respectful “Marshall” to Cor as he left.

Watching him go, the Marshall looked over the Glaives still in the room, who all found themselves pointedly looking away from Prompto, most of them flushed a bright red. Except for Nyx, who had grinned and greeted him rather casually.

Cor made his decision quickly. “Ulric, come with us to my office.”

Blinking at the sudden command, Nyx snapped to attention and nodded. “Sir.”

Without waiting, Cor turned and left the room, expecting both Prompto and Nyx to follow, which they did. At first the walk was silent, Prompto seemed a little bothered, and it didn’t take a genius to figure out that watching dolls resembling him being blown up and dismembered probably was more unsettling than any of them could think to know.

But Nyx, Nyx was on another world with his train of thought. He kept side-eyeing Prompto, studying him, thinking, _lusting_ \-- could you blame the man? He’d spent that entire morning undressing Prompto lookalikes with penises in his face the whole time. The man, if the dolls were anything to go by, was covered in freckles and had a nice dick.

So sue Nyx for being warm-blooded and horny.

But he couldn’t get anything out, not with Cor right there anyway, so he kept his mouth shut until they reached the Marshall’s office and followed him inside. They watched Cor step around his desk and take a seat, gesturing for both of them to join him opposite the desk in the provided chairs, waiting until they did before he spoke.

“Ulric, as you’re aware, the Citadel came into the possession of some dolls resembling Prompto, no thanks to the prince,” he began, desperate to keep a straight face. It normally wasn’t a problem, but talking about sex dolls was...something else. “That being said, our friend here has become an unwilling celebrity and has gained some rather unwarranted attention. Some of them included some threats that the Citadel is forced to take seriously as they also involve the prince. However, since Prompto is not a member of the royal family, he doesn’t come with protection, so we need to assign him some.”

“So, that’s your brief way of stating he needs a bodyguard?” Nyx joked with a grin before clearing his throat and growing serious before he pissed Cor off. He glanced at Prompto, who was biting his lip - fuck _me_ \- and sat up a little straighter in his chair. “Uh, yeah, I can handle that, no problem.”

“Are you certain?” Cor asked, eyes ever so subtly flicking towards Nyx’s groin and Nyx immediately crossed his legs to hide what he was sporting.

“Yes, sir.”

Prompto, unaware of the silent exchange, looked to the Glaive, still biting his lip. “Are you sure?” he asked, echoing Cor’s question unintentionally. “I can’t imagine this being a valuable use of the Kingsglaive.”

“After what I spent this morning doing, you’d be surprised,” Nyx replied with a cheeky grin.

* * *

By the time they reached Noctis’s apartment, Prompto was very much aware of what Nyx was trying to lay down, but he had no idea how to refute it. It wasn’t his fault, Nyx was hot in a way that Noctis...wasn’t quite? Or maybe Prompto was just human and liked being flirted with by a hot guy, he didn’t know. Maybe both.

What he _did_ know, was that he didn’t need Nyx at Noctis’s apartment with both the prince and his Adviser there, but he couldn’t exactly find it in him to tell the Glaive to leave.

So he didn’t.

Nyx claimed he had to stay to fulfill his duties, and as Noctis rolled his eyes and went to Prompto, he gave the gray-haired man a look, but stayed quiet. “Everything okay?” he was asking the blond instead, smiling a little with worry.

“Yeah, I’m fine!” Prompto reassured as they went and sat on the couch, Ignis watching from the kitchen as he got dinner ready. “Cor assigned Nyx to guard me when I’m not with you guys.” He shrugged and pulled out his phone, which had been given back to him before leaving the Citadel.

It had been cloned, so he could start deleting some of those gods-awful messages in his folders, absorbed in the task and missing the looks Noctis was giving Nyx, who had gotten comfortable in the armchair nearby.

“Huh,” Prompto said as he read an e-mail, thumb scrolling. “Apparently, if I’m ever penniless, I could sell my ass for millions.”

A clatter came from the kitchen just as Nyx seemed to choke on something, even Noctis snapped to look at Prompto.

“Hell yeah, you could,” Nyx agreed with a smile that bordered on smirk, but there was something charming about it and Prompto looked up with a grin. Thinking that was his chance, the Glaive leaned in, resting his arms on his knees. “So. You single?”

Glaring, Noct tugged Prompto close while eyeing the too-handsome Glaive. “NO.”

“Hey, you ordered fifty dolls that looked like him, give someone else a chance,” Nyx huffed before his gaze returned to Prompto, who was staring wide-eyed. “Okay, not single. Poly?”

Noctis sputtered but Nyx cut him off. “Hey, dude, you’ve got enough for your fantasies, let me have the real one, ‘kay?”

Prompto couldn’t help the amusement the exchange between Nyx and Noctis was giving him, so he pretended to consider the poly question, much to the prince’s chagrin.

“I’LL GIVE YOU THE DOLL WE FOUND UNDER MY BED IF YOU LEAVE RIGHT NOW,” the prince practically shouted, earning a louder clamor from the kitchen behind him. He could feel the daggers Ignis was glaring at him, but he couldn’t look away from Nyx.

The Glaive’s jaw had dropped slightly, torn at the offer as he looked from Noctis to Prompto and back. Before he could make a decision, though, Noctis slipped.

“JUST FOR TODAY.”

“Just for today?” Nyx echoed with a scowl. “Oh, come on, that’s not fair. No deal!”

At a thought, Prompto turned to look at Noctis and leaned in to whisper, “uh, come on, bro, do you really want the doll back after he’s done with it? _Imagine where they’ll have been_.”

Noctis shrugged in reply. “Iggy’ll clean it up.”

“I will do _what_ exactly?” Ignis snapped from behind them, causing Noctis to yelp and whip around to look at the Adviser, white as a sheet.

“I think he said you’ll help clean my spunk out of the doll I’m borrowing!” Nyx offered with a grin as Noctis whipped around to look at him. “What? I’m helping.”

Prompto fought not to laugh and covered his ears. “Oh, my virgin ears!”

“Your virgin _nothing_ ,” Noctis huffed at his boyfriend, who grinned.

Nyx did too, for a different reason. “At this point, nothing about him is virgin anymore,” he laughed. “Doubly so if you consider all the shit his dolls have been through with the rest of the Glaive.”

Noctis immediately frowned. “...But I thought they were just blowing them up.”

Laughing, Nyx nodded. “Yeah, sure, just _blowing_ them up.” He made a lewd gesture with his hands that made Prompto blush and burying his face in his own.

“You guys,” he whined, trying to get the subject off the dolls made in his image. “Less talking about doing the dolls, and more about doing me!” He was joking, but only because he wanted to stop talking about what the Glaives had gotten up to. “Gods, at this point, all of Insomnia is going to be talking about doing me because of these dolls.” He looked at the prince beside them. “I think I have to let them, as my duty to the Crown.”

Noctis immediately tugged Prompto against him, scowling. “FUCK NO!” he shouted. “I’m declaring you royal property! If there’s no royal blood, they can _fuck off._ ” He gave Nyx a pointed look at those words.

“But, Noct, I...I don’t want your dad to fuck me…” Prompto whined jokingly.

Noctis choked on his breath and sputtered trying to reclaim his declaration. “YEAH, FUCK NO, NOT THAT.”

“...I daresay, why not?” Ignis spoke up from behind as all eyes shot to him at the confession. He might as well admit it; after seeing fifty sex dolls and the shenanigans everyone had gotten up to. “Your father is a rather attractive man, Noct.”

Realizing Ignis wasn’t joking, Noctis whined and slid off the couch, curling into a ball.

“ _When I said you were like the mom of our group, I DIDN’T MEAN FOR YOU TO TAKE THAT LITERALLY_!”

Ignis raised his eyebrow and grinned as he slid his apron off with a sly smirk, enjoying Noctis squirming after all he put Ignis through, assembling and hiding his dolls.

“I would take that any way King Regis was inclined to give it.”

* * *

**EPILOGUE:**

Gladio sat on the bed, towel around his shoulders, having just gotten out of the shower. His jaw was set with resolve and his lube was ready on the nightstand. He’d spend far too many nights disturbed by the doll he’d dragged home from Nocts apartment, shoved it into his closet but that hadn’t helped. He’d considered trashing it, but didn’t want his friend's likeness to end up picked up and abused by a random trash picker. He’d realized he was never going to be able to get a full night’s rest again unless he got over his irrational fear of the doll.

It had gotten to the point where the actual Prompto turning up unexpectedly sent him into a cold sweat. So he’d come to a decision.

If he used the doll for its intended purpose and lived he’d be able to convince his brain that _it was just a toy_. Astrals help him if any of the others ever found out though..

Gladio took a deep breath and looked over at the doll, propped up on the pillows on his bed. He’d removed Noct’s clothing and thrown his sheets over it before hopping into the shower to give himself a pep talk. Now, he scooted closer and looked it over.

It really was uncanny how close the doll makers had come to replicating Prompto perfectly. From the line of his jaw to the slightly lopsided smile and the lines around his eyes, it was identical to his friend. There were minute differences that stood out if you knew Prompto well. Gladio hadn’t let himself be attracted to his smaller friend since Noctis’s crush on him had been obvious from the first day he met him, but Prompto had a really lovely bone structure. The freckles trailing down his neck towards his clavicles drew Gladio’s eyes downwards. His abs were nowhere near as well defined as Gladio’s but still beautiful. He had hip bones that were made for gripping. if Gladio was honest with himself.

He felt his cock stir with interest.

Okay, he could do this... He leaned over the doll and brought it up towards him.

And the head fell off into his lap.

Gladio gargled a scream and palmed the head, throwing it as far away from himself as possible and right through the frosted glass window while knocking the body off the bed with a sharp kick.

He looked out the window and Jared looked back up at him utterly confused, standing over the rose bushes that contained the head, beaming up at him. Gladio slammed and locked his window and darted into the bathroom, locking the door and sobbing into his phone as Ignis picked up.

“ _I swear to all the Astrals I’ll never look at Prompto that way again just PLEASE COME TAKE THIS MONSTROSITY OUT OF MY HOUSE BEFORE IT KILLS ME._ ”


End file.
